the Albino Rage Commando; and thernCalHsteatopygian Coalition will be presentrnat all oral examinations to monitorrnthe tones of voice, facial expressions, andrnbody language of the examiners for anyrnsigns of racism, sexism, classism, heteronormativism,rnhomoabilitarianism, andrnlookism, A sign-language option will bernavailable for the differently abled.rnOnce again. Professor Stodgett strainedrnhis colleagues’ patience with a lot of prepostmodernistrncarping and quibbling,rngoing on and on with an interminablernlist of objections to these test items:rn#1. Demonstrate ability to sing thernInternationale—words and musicrn—all the way through.rn#2. Demonstrate the ability effectivelyrnto employ ten “ism” nouns,rnsix “ize” verbs, and six variant usesrnof “with regard to/in respect to”rnduring five minutes of oral presentation.rn#3. Demonstrate the ability to readrnsilently without lip movements.rn#4. Demonstrate the ability tornplace the page one is reading sornthat there will be no shadows uponrnit.rn#5. Demonstrate the ability tornverblobbize two plain expositoryrnpassages of Jane Austen’s Sensernand Sensibility into nauseating unintelligibility.rn#6. Demonstrate the ability tornopheliate (i.e., transgenderize)rncomprehensively one soliloquyrnfrom Hamlet.rn#7. Demonstrate the abilit)’ to devisern16 different interpretations ofrnan instructional leaflet for operatingrna tea kettle.rn#8. Demonstrate the inability tornunderstand what any given authorrnis trying to say.rn#9. Demonstrate an ability to empathizernfor five contiguous minutesrnwith the grievances of membersrnof a culturally marginalizedrngroup (to be chosen by sortition).rn#10. Demonstrate the abilityrn(when applicable) to apologize effectivelyrnfor being a white malernheterosexual.rnAs he concluded enumerating his objectionsrnto number ten, Stodgett’s colleaguesrndecided that enough was sufficientrnand voted 49 to one to expel himrnfrom the meeting for demonstrating anrninability to communicate effectively withrnhis peers. The remaining members votedrnunanimously to approve all items onrnthe list without further discussion.rnThe crown and crux of the subcommittee’srnwork are found in the provisionsrnfor ensuring that all students enrolled inrnthe LU/English graduate program willrnsuccessfully terminate. First, the subcommitteernhas drawn up a list of 75 easilyrninflatable and utterly untestable hypothesesrnupon which its Ph.D.l candidatesrncan base their dissertations. Second,rnPh.D.l. candidates who have completedrntheir examinations will have 25 years torncomplete their dissertations with an extensionrnof 25 years available for all studentsrnover 40 years of age. Third, arncourse on Prof Gustave Grenouille-rnChanson’s non-hierarchical, multiplural,rnplurivalent “Cognitive-Discursive/rnRandom Obnubilation Media” will replacernENG 0.97 (“Pre-Postaiiodern Remediationrnfor Graduate Students”),rnENG 0.98 (“Postmodern English as arnSecond Language”), and LIT 99.0rn(“Litcritalian for Litcriticians”).rnGrenouille-Chanson’s CD-ROM worksrnby activating a series of “random integrationrnfrom the paradigmacopia of nonceptualrninterpretive terminologies” macrornstrings. This automatically produces arncritico-dialogical carnevalesque whichrnplays out a fluid, freeform, unendingrntheoretical puissance.rnA simple click of the RIPNIT icon onrnthe grad student’s computer screen initiatesrna search and retrieval operationrnwhich links a series of cr)’ptic neologisms,rnenergetic and arbitrary verbs,rnopaque ismatisms, baffling alitalities, impenetrablernizationates, commanding adverbs,rnand turbocharged adjectives randomlyrnchosen from a comprehensiverndatabase of both structuralist and poststructuralistrnworks. These discursiverncomponents are automatically sorted intornprotracted sentences complete withrnsubjects, verbs, objects, and plent’ ofrnendlessly elongated subordinate clauses,rninsanely abstruse insubordinate clauses,rnand bewildering parenthetical obiter dicta.rnThe sentences are then sorted intornparagraphs arranged (according to thernuser’s metrical predilections) in one ofrnthree simple rhythmic structures: antispastic,rnfourth epitrite, or dispondee.rnThe paragraphs are then garnished withrnappropriate footnotes and quotes fromrnleading continental theorists.rnA brief sample of the Cognitive-Discursive/rnRandom Obnubilation Mediarncomposition, ripnitted from the works ofrnJacques Derrida, Jacques Lacan, GillesrnDeleuze, and Felix Guattari, illustratesrnthe efficacy of its operation:rnAn objet petit a is analogous to arnrapidly moving rhizome; that is, arnTHE LU/ENGLISH NEWSLETTERrnAlthough Lagado University in Kafka, South Dakota cannotrnclaim the fame of a Yale, Stanford or Berkeley; its EnglishrnDepartment does claim to stay abreast of every slash, gash andrnlaceration of the Postmodernist cutting edge. Our motto says itrnall: “If it’s bleeding in New Haven, then it’s hemorrhaging inrnKafka, South Dakota.” Subscribers inchoate verblobbage over suchrnto the departmental newsletter will pustules of coherent thought as mayrnfind it an unfailingly reliable entree erupt anywhere in the Americanrnto the outre. Our faculty stand ever- academy. Subscribe now for yourrnalert to decant whole hogsheads of libretto to the Kanondammerung.rnLU/English Newsletter, 11 Llewellyn Place, New Bnmswick, NJ 08901rnOne year subscription, four issues of seven pages each. $10.00 I IrnNAME:rnADDRESSrnCITY STATE ZIPrnJUNE 1999/41rnrnrn