avelli of the straight razor. That wouldrnshow education!rnAndrei Navrozov is Chronicles’rnEuropean correspondent.rnLetter From Lagadornby John N. FraryrnRevolution in the AirrnThanks to a November election upset,rnKafka, South Dakota—home of LagadornUniversity—is poised to become the vanguardrncollege town of 21st-centuryrnAmerica. Joe Steele, a Lagado UniversityrnEnglish Department adjunct runningrnas a candidate of the Farmer-Activist-rnWorker-Grad Student Alliance (a coalitionrnof the Revolutionary DemocraticrnWorkers’ Party, the Workers’ Party ofrnDemocratic Revolutionaries, the Party ofrnRevolutionary Democratic Workers, andrnDemocrats Working for a RevolutionaryrnParty), mobilized the youthful idealismrnof Lagado University’s junior faculty, students,rnand “residuals” (i.e., dropouts, residentrnrecidivists, unemployable graduates,rncoffeehouse proprietors, strandedrnfolk singers, and other university hangers-rnon) behind a program of dynamicrnchange that overwhelmed three-termrnDemocrat Lee Bronstein.rnProfessor G.S. Stodgett, Kafka’s onlyrnregistered Republican, declined to nominaternhimself for anything.rnSteele seized the moral high ground atrnthe first campaign debate when herncharged Mayor Bronstein with insensitivity.rnScoffing at his opponent’s splutteringrnprotest that “I am, too, sensitive,”rnFAWGSA’s nominee demanded tornknow exactly how sensitive and, whenrnthe man stammered unconvincingly thatrnhe was very, very sensitive, scornfullyrnpressed him to explain “on what groundsrna white male heterosexual could possiblyrnclaim to be ‘very’ sensitive.” Joe then cutrnabruptly through Bronstein’s panickyrnbabbling to flourish a sheaf of affidavitsrnattesting that the wretch had used thern”eenie-meenie-minie-moe” formula severalrntimes while enrolled at the EleanorrnRoosevelt Kiddie Kollege in 1951. Arntempest of hisses and catcalls swept thernmayor from tlie dais, and he declined tornparticipate in further public debates.rnFrom that point on, it was all downhillrnfor the incumbent. His attempt to regainrnlost ground by belatedly insisting that JoernSteele was also a white male heterosexualrnbackfired when the latter denouncedrnhim for resorting to the tawdriest of negativerncampaign tactics. Noting thatrnBronstein’s charge was ancient historyhernhad long since made a public apologyrnfor his heteromale whiteness—Steele declaredrnthat “it is time to put the past behindrnus and move on.”rnPressing his advantage, Joe exposedrnthe Bronstein administration’s failure torndiversify the town government’s personnelrnprofile. The “liberal” Democrat attemptedrnto defend himself by claimingrnthat there were only 35 Afrofamilies livingrnin Kafka and its three adjacent counties,rnbut the challenger struck back withrna relentless attack on the administration’srnfailure to diversify the population of therncity and promised a vigorous national recruitmentrncampaign to ensure that thernchildren of Kafka could grow up in an inclusiverndemographic configuration reflectingrn21st-century America.rnOn September 20, things took a disastrousrnturn for the Democrat when thernOmnium Gatherum of People Unwhiternproduced irrefutable evidence that therernwere thirty-sfx Afrofamilies in the regionrnand condemned him in the severestrnterms as a racist bent on deliberatelyrnmarginalizing Kafka’s Afropopulation.rnBronstein’s bleating apologies were unavailing.rnHis campaign staff desertedrnhim en masse.rnAddressing a meeting of the LUrnWomen’s Studies Coven at WiccalatryrnChapel on September 23, Joe brandishedrna list of 258 employees of the KafkarnMunicipal Sewage Authority whornwere known associates of Bible-thumping,rnchurchgoing, hymn-singing, extremernultra-right reactionary fundamentalistrnChristian theocrats. The mayor’srncountercharge of “McCarthyism” wasrnpromptly denounced as an example ofrnnegative campaigning, a mean-spiritedrnethnic slur on Joe’s Irish heritage, and arnvicious slash at tlie self-esteem of all thernlittle children with Celtic foremammals.rnWhen Bronstein protested that therernwere only 38 employees on the KMSArnpayroll, Joe pounced on this evidencernthat his opponent was a self-confessedrnenemy of the environment and promisedrnan emergency bottled spring-water programrnuntil adequate provision could bernmade to ensure a pure water supply forrnall the little children of Kafka.rnA week before the election, FAWGSArnunleashed a posse of LU Psychology Departmentrnmemory-recovery specialistsrnon the Jill & Jack Municipal Day CarernCenter. Seven hours of intensive, nonstoprninteraction sufficed to elicit testimonyrnthat the kids had been forced to watchrnBronstein disembowel a hippopotamusrnwith a letter opener while buggering anrnanaconda, chewing the leg off a slowrnloris, and singing the Horst Wessel Lied.rnThe accused immediately attempted tornimpugn the veracity of the children byrnarguing that: an anaconda is physiologicallyrnunbuggerable; the witnesses havernno idea what an anaconda is; and it is impossiblernto sing and eat a slow loris simultaneously.rnBronstein’s attack on thernchildren only enraged Kafka’s voters further,rnand his rout became definitive. OnrnOctober 30, he hastily packed his bagsrnand fled to Mexico, followed by the imprecationsrnof his wife and daughters.rnOn November 5, the new mayor-bydefaultrnannounced that Pyongyang hadrnagreed to become Kafka’s sister city.rnFrom noon of this same day, the clocksrnon the town hall and in all municipal officesrnwere synchronized with the NorthrnKorean GMAT zone. Members of thernLU community who have business withrnthe municipal government have beenrnnotified that today is tomorrow after 10rnA.M., that the lunch hour for municipalrnemployees is now between 3:00 and 4:00rnA.M., and that the city’s offices will bernclosed at 7:20 A.M. All this will requirernsome adjustment, and it is not yet clearrnwhat effect it will have on response timesrnto fire alarms, but few in the Lagadorncommunity will deny that this long-overduernprogram for decentering Westernrncolonialist chronometry is a powerfulrnmodel of thinking globally, acting locally.rn(An initiative along the same lines isrncontained in Municipal Order #13 ofrnNovember 23, ordaining that all birthrncertificates for city residents must be revisedrnto accord with the Chinese customrnof dating birth from conception.)rnOn November 6, the new adminisfrationrn—demonstrating an ambidextrousrncapacity for thinking locally, acting globallyrn—established the Kafka MunicipalrnInternational Affairs Office. Plans for aidrnto Cuba are already being laid, and an invitationrnto January’s formal mayoral inaugurationrnhas been sent to Fidel Casfro.rnOn November 7, the new municipalrncalendar was implemented, designatingrn1999 as Kafka Year I, eliminating Sun-rnMARCH 1999/39rnrnrn