days, and renaming all the months exceptrnOctober.rnOn November 8, the municipal codernwas revised to strengthen penaltiesrnagainst hate-misdemeanors. Henceforth,rnordinary spitting on the sidewalkrnwill still be penalized with a $25 fine,rnwhereas hate-spitting is to carry a penaltyrnof six months in the municipal workhouse.rnFailure to curb one’s dog willrncontinue to incur a $15 dollar fine fromrnJanuary 2 to December 25 (old style),rnbut there will be a penalty enhancementrnof 30 days’ compulsory sensitivity trainingrnand two months of community servicernfor allowing one’s dog to defecate onrnthe sidewalk during Kwanzaa. Otherrnpenalty enhancements will be posted inrnpublic places as they occur to the KafkarnOffice of Tolerance Compliance. Anyrnmisdemeanor whatsoever committed byrnpersons proven to have uttered the eeniemeenie-rnminie-moe formula at any timernafter age three will be deemed a prima faciernhate crime.rnOn November 9, the city of Kafka wasrndeclared a tobacco-free zone, l-‘ossessionrnof more than five milligrams of tobaccornwithin 500 yards of a school will carry arnmandatory one-year sentence at a laborrncamp in the Kafka gravel pits. Volunteersrnfrom the SmokeFree Militia havernbeen deputized. Sites for five watchtowersrnat vantage points within the city limitsrnhave been selected.rnOn November 10, the Steele administrationrnstruck a blow against Big Meat,rnBig Candy, and Big Soda with an ordinancernbanning sales of cold cuts, candyrnbars, and soft drinks to minors. In Kafka,rna “minor” is now defined as anyone underrn53 years of age.rnOn November 11, it was announcedrnthat Ben and Jerry had accepted an invitationrnto set up the “Feliks DzerzhinskyrnMemorial Ice Cream Parlor” on I.F.rnStone Square. They will be marking thernoccasion by introducing a special newrndesigner flavor, Bone Krunch.rnNovember 11 was celebrated as ConscientiousrnDraft Dodgers’ Day with a paraderncelebrating the fall of Saigon.rnNovember 26 was observed as ContritiongivingrnDay, with e-mailed, oral, orrnwritten apologies being submitted byrnnearly every Euromammal living withinrnthe city line. Professor StodgetT being arnconspicuous exception. That unrepentantrnbeneficiary of the Native Americanrnholocaust exempted himself on therngrounds that his great-uncle six times removed,rnSamson Stodgett, was scalped byrn”Indians” in the Fort Macomber Massacrernof 1703. Dr. Vorkian Jackl was onrnhand for the occasion to assist anyonernwho felt the need to commit ritual suicide,rnbut found no takers. (Deputy MayorrnSiegfried Heap-of-Roadkills was heardrnto question the penitents’ sincerity—andrnwho can blame him?) Mayor Steele’s offerrnto let “Vork” perform a partial-birthrnabortion at the Kafka Health Centerrnfailed to ameliorate the doctor’s disappointment,rnand he left town an embitteredrnman, vowing never to return.rnStarting next October, Columbus Dayrnwill be a day of mourning, with all municipalrnbuildings draped in white and allrnmunicipal employees instructed to wearrnglummy-face buttons with downturnedrnmouths and teary eyes. Battle of LittlernBig Horn Day is to be a municipal holidayrnstarting on June 25, 1999.rnThere’s more, much more. All hearsesrnoperating within the city must bernpainted white by Martin Luther King,rnJr., Day. The Jill & Jack Municipal DayrnCare Center has been renamed the Che-rnLumumba Children’s Collective. Plansrnare being laid for collectivizing all flowerrngardens and window boxes. The newrnKafka Municipal Convenience StorernAuthority will soon be issuing bonds to financernpurchase of the city’s petty-bourgeoisrnretafl establishments. The KafkarnMunicipal Power & Light Administrationrnhas ordered all light bulbs to bernreplaced with environmentally friendlyrnsix-watters by Earth Day. The Kafka EnvironmentalrnProtection Agency has institutedrna universal recycling program.rnThe Kafka Health and Hospital Authorityrnhas hired an acu-puncturist, a Chinesernherbal doctor, two shamans, a Jujulatrician,rna wicca doctor, and a holistic root,rnweed, and birdseed therapist.rnNot too busy to give thought to thernlong term. Mayor Steele has appointedrnan advisory committee to study the feasibilityrnof setting up a system of checkpoints,rnelectrified barbed-wire fences,rnland mines, and border guards aroundrnthe city. An attorney from Kunstios, Cucaracha,rnCucaracha, Quetzlcoatl &rnKungfii, Patel, Patel, Patel, Patel & Patel,rnOpechancanough, Matawickomet,rnBambuti, Baraka, Mfume, Conyers,rnYakuza, and Said has been retained tornadvise the committee on the legal aspectsrnof the project.rnAnd this is just the beginning! A newrndawn for Kafka, South Dakota! A bridgernto the 21st century for America! A pokernin the eye for the Madisonite-Amherstist-rnBurlingtonite-Berkeleyite right-wing deviationists!rn]ohn N. Frary is a professor of history atrnMiddlesex County College in Edison,rnNew Jersey.rnTHE LU/ENGLISH NEWSLETTERrnAlthough Lagado University in Kafka, South Dakota cannotrnclaim the fame of a Yale, Stanford or Berkeley; its EnglishrnDepartment does claim to stay abreast of every slash, gash andrnlaceration of the Postmodernist cutting edge. Our motto says itrnall: “If it’s bleeding in New Haven, then it’s hemorrhaging inrnKaflca, South Dakota.” Subscribers inchoate verblobbage over suchrnto the departmental newsletter will pustules of coherent thought as mayrnfind it an unfailingly reliable entrfe erupt anywhere in the Americanrnto the outre. Our faculty stand ever- academy. Subscribe now for yourrnalert to decant whole hogsheads of libretto to the Kanondammerung.rnLU/English Newsletter, 11 Llewellyn Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901rnOne year subscription, four issues of seven pages each. $10.00 I IrnNAME:rn40/CHRONICLESrnrnrn