to remain in Dismailia, but his almostrncomplete indifference to the country’srnpeople and culture—not to mention hisrnloathing for all forms of administrativernpaperwork—limits his effectiveness inrnthat post. The preferred staffing optionrnwould be an Ultramulticultist Collectiverndrawn from the English, Anthropology,rnand Sociology departments, but PresidentrnBleatley’s appeal for volunteers continuesrnto be stymied by the amazingrnnumber and diversity of diversity projectsrnwhich require the continued presence ofrnthose faculties in the United States. Therncurrent student enrollment also givesrncause for concern. Of those originallyrnsigned up for the Semester in Dismailia,rnthe nontraditional student recruited byrnIlarrv Glibb was intercepted at the busrnstation and returned to the KafkarnAlzheimer Center; two Remedial Studiesrnmajors got lost in Kafka InternationalrnAirport and have not yet been recovered;rntwo other enrollees adamantly refused tornleave the boat at journey’s end; and thernwhereabouts of the four who reported tornthe Plagho-Plaguo campus is currentlyrnunknown. Enrollment for the springrnsemester is faltering. In point of fact, it isrnnonexistent at this writing. The obstinaternprovincialism of Lagado’s undergraduatesrnwas perhaps to be expected,rnbut even zealously diversitarian graduaternstudents have been ostentatiously displayingrnan unwonted fondness for thernclimate and ambiance of southern SouthrnDakota. It is not surprising that conceptrnshould sometimes get ahead of consciousnessrnin an institution as innovativernas LU, but this unresponsiveness is stillrna little disappointing. For the presentrnthere seems nothing to be done except tornscatter colorful brochures thickly aboutrnthe library, the lounges, the student center,rnand especially the locales where thernRemedial Studies majors while awayrntheir hours, and hope for the best. It isrnonly fair to mention that, out of respectrnfor the Dismailians’ intense feelingsrnabout cameras, the photographs are actuallyrnfrom St. Kitts, Rio de Janeiro, andrnAcapulco. They are authentic impressionsrnof how the Publicity Office imaginesrnthe local scenes should look.rnReaders of Chronicles who would likernto participate in the Dismailian Experiencernmay write to: Stanley Livingston,rnDecenter Center, Recondite Quad 010,rnLagado University, Kafka, South Dakotarn06660-1313. Travel expenses will be paidrnby the Ford Foundation, but there will berna charge for the kevlar jackets. Applicantsrnmust allow at least three months torncomplete the necessary immunizationsrnand N’accinations. Vegetarians should bernaware that the Dismailians are cxclusieh’rncarnivorous and worship tofu as thernflesh of their principal deity. Tobaccophobesrnare advised to be very polite andrnsensitive when asking the natives not tornsmoke. They run no risk of being shot—rnlocal usage is very strict on this point—rnbut it is prudent to prepare for selfdefensernagainst edged weapons. Applicantsrnof female cultural constructionrnwould do well to brush up on their signrnlanguage. In Dismailia, women are notrnpermitted to talk. This may be a littlerntroubling at first, but the}- have only tornremind themselves from time to timernthat imposition of colonialist-imperialistrncultural hegemonism is a really majorrnNo-No. If Sappheminists exercise ordinaryrndiscretion when performing necessaryrnpersonal functions, they may hopernto escape this restriction. Available informationrnsuggests that the natives have nornepistemological frame of reference forrnassigning them a gender of any kind. Intelligentrnand informed reproducti’ernchoice is facilitated by the right of postnatalrnabortion, but caution is advised inrnmatters of premarital and extramaritalrnsex. Under provisions of the Code ofrnGnashnarlh the Merciful, female offendersrnare sentenced to ten minutes in thernGrand Panjandral Snake Pits while malesrnsuffer confiscation of their reproductivernapparatus. Gays will be glad to knowrnthat AIDS is unknown in Dismailia andrn”gay-bashing,” in the literal sense of thernterm, nonexistent. Hov’ever, they mayrnwish to reflect whether (wifli all due respectrnfor the values of the Other) beingrnflayed alive over three days with a flintrnknife is necessarily to be preferred. Perspectivernis always important.rnDollars may be exchanged forrn7.62mm rounds at the bureau de changernhovel on the Bcach-of-Entry. Bottledrnwater is optional; there will be plenty ofrnkerosene available on campus for waterrnpuriheation. The Omnium Gatherumrnof People Unwhite is agitating furiouslyrnto compel the insurance companies tornabandon actuarial computations whichrncan only be racist in origin, but insurancernpolicies may not be available for somerntime yet. LU will provide the E-Z LegalrnForms “Last Will and Testament Do-It-rnYourself Kit” free of charge. Passportsrnand visas are not a problem. Dismailiarnhas er few visitors.rnJohn N. Frary is a professor of history atrnMiddlesex County College in Edison,rnNew Jersey.rnTHE LU/ENGLISH NEWSLETTERrnAlthough Lagado University in Kafka, South Dakota cannotrnclaim the fame of a Yale, Stanford or Berkeley; its EnglishrnDepartment does claim to stay abreast of every slash, gash andrnlaceration of the Postmodernist cutting edge. Our motto says itrnall: “If it’s bleeding in New Haven, then it’s hemorrhaging inrnKafka, South Dakota.” Subscribers inchoate verblobbage over suchrnto the departmental newsletter will pustules of coherent thought as mayrnfind it an unfailingly reliable entree erupt anywhere in the Americanrnto the outre. Our faculty stand ever- academy. Subscribe now for yourrnalert to decant whole hogsheads of libretto to the Kanondammerung.rnLU/English Newsletter, 11 Llewellyn Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901rnOne year subscription, four issues of seven pages each. $5.00rnNAME:rnAPRIL 1997/45rnrnrn