public universities in the country, onernvictim group entitled to preferentialrntreatment to remedy “past discrimination”rnis—the Italians. Only in New York.rnIn considering this phenomenon, itrnoccurred to me that virtually the onlyrnethnic group that has not made a claimrnfor victim status is the one that has beenrnthe most oppressed throughout historyrn—my own. In fact, the average AmericanrnIS so insensitive to our plight that wernare often confused with and referred tornas “Anglos,” as profound an ethnic slightrnas could possibly be given. Today, let’srnset the record straight: Don’t Call MernAnglo. I am an Oppressed Celt.rnThe Celts were the Original Europeans,rnthose who settled the Continentrnfrom the Atlantic to Germany, fromrnNorthern Italy to Britain and Ireland.rnThe primary descendants of the oncegreatrnCeltic nation are the Irish, thernScots, the Welsh, and the Bretons, andrnso Americans who trace their heritagernto any of these folks have a blood claimrnto historical oppression. Celtic-Americansrnare entitled to join the fight on thisrncontinent for Celt rights and demandrngovernment-enforced preferential treatmentrnjust like other successful ethnicrnvictims.rnThe first thing the Celts have to do isrnget touch’ about our name. Based onrnour ancient language, we should preferrnCelts with a hard “c,” unlike the BostonrnCeltics basketball team, which not onlyrnmispronounces our name, but also is arnclassic example of insensitive Celticrnstereotyping. According to the Bostonrnlogo, the Celt is sly and short, smokesrncigars, and wears funnv hats. This is ethnicrnslander, as proved by my own family:rnwhile I may fit all four parts of the description,rnmy mother only smokes a cigarrnon Christmas and at least two of herrnhats are not funny in the least. I hopernthe Oregon newspaper that refuses tornidentify the Atlanta Braves, ClevelandrnIndians, and Washington Redskins bvrntheir offensive nicknames will show similarrnsensitivity to the plight of the Celtsrnnext time the Portland Trailblazers go tornBoston.rnAnd what a plight it is, even thoughrnmany Celtic-Americans do not knowrnhow oppressed they are. To borrow fromrnthat great Celt, the Irish King Diarmaid,rn”To every cow her calf”—and for Celts, itrnis way past milking time.rnThe key requirement for victim statusrnis oppression, and the Celts have a finernhistory of losing major battles. In thernBattle of Alesia in 52 B.C., Julius Caesarrndefeated the Celts in what is now centralrnFrance, and the Romans began pushingrnus north and west. Then the Celts tookrnit from the Big White Worldwide Oppressor,rnthe Anglo-Saxon. (Bear in mindrnthat the legendary King Arthur was arnCelt fighting the invading Saxons.)rnWhile warring almost continuously withrnthe Anglo-Saxons, the Celts were alsorninvaded by Vikings, Danes, and Normans.rnThe Anglos ultimately defeatedrnall the local Celtic tribes: our CornishrnCeltic brothers succumbed in the sixthrncentury, the last true Prmee of Walesrnwas Llewellyn II in 1282, the Irish havernbeen a colony on and off for 800 years orrnso, and the Scots got whipped once andrnfor all at the Battle of Culloden m 1746.rnMeanwhile, on the Continent, the Bretonsrnlost their independence in 1488 andrnwere later slaughtered by the French duringrnthe Revolution. Throughout recentrnhistory, the Celts were the team that everybodyrnwanted to play.rnBut oppression alone will not qualifyrnyou for victim status in America—yourrnculture must have seen better days. ForrnCelts, our Golden Age was 2,000 yearsrnago when we ruled Europe. Today, well,rnlet’s just say that the unspeakable Irishrnsongstress Sinead O’Connor is probablyrnthe most prominent Celtic cultural iconrnin the world. In the not-so-distant past,rnif a visiting foreign scold like SineadrnO’Connor refused to allow the hostrncountry’s national anthem to be playedrnbefore her performance (as she did inrnNew Jersey) or ripped up a picture ofrnthe Pope in public (as she did on television),rnthe locals would subject her tornpublic ridicule by cutting off all her hairrnand parading her around. Miss O’Connor’srncurious grooming accomplishesrnsuch sport on its own, but what about arngood dousing?rnAmericans are also impressed if thernhopeful victims have a claim for historicalrnjustice that is so broad in scope as tornbe virtually unappeasable without greatrntransfers of land and wealth. While ourrnultimate goal is the return of GreaterrnCeltia (which is, roughly, all of WesternrnEurope), here in America we want arnhomeland—New Celtia. After all, St.rnBrendan of Ireland discovered Americarnin the sixth century, way before ChristopherrnColumbus, the Vikings, or thernAfricans (as some now claim). Thatrnleaves the Indians, and we’re happy tornsplit it with them. To show how reasonablernCelts are, we’re willing to divide therncountry in two over the next ten years orrnso, but in the meantime America canrnstart making amends for our oppressionrnby giving us Georgia; nice climate, lots ofrngood bars in Savannah, and a pretty goodrnbaseball team in Atlanta. In the 1996rnOlympics in Atlanta, we can showcasernCeltic culture like the Catalonians did inrnBarcelona in 1992, introducing the woridrnto traditional Celtic games like the DeadrnEnemy Warrior Head Toss or the TwornLiter Hootch Distillation Marathon,rnwhere contestants can use only freshrnmountain water and a spadeful of peat.rnAnother major factor for Americanrnethnic victims is whether the ancientrnculture is politically correct by I990’srnstandards. Celts were the original treehuggersrn—we literally worshipped oaks.rnAnd Celtic women like Boudicea didn’trnsit at home and bake cookies—she led anrnarmed revolt against the Romans inrnBritain in the first century, her red hairrnflowing and her hands bloody with gore,rnultimately killing herself rather than surrenderingrnto the Centurions. It is notrnhard to imagine Boudicea in today’srnwodd as a National Abortion Rights ActionrnLeague organizer and member ofrnthe Hemlock Society.rnFinally, Americans will not roll outrnthe gold for you on the basis of guilt andrnadmiration alone—there must be somernelement of a threat to the peace if thernethnic group’s demands are not met.rnEuropeans know that the Celts can getrnnasty on issues of ethnic self-determination:rnBreton nationalists planted overrn200 bombs in France in the late 1970’srn(including ten bombs at Versailles), thernScottish separatist movement of recentrnyears has at times exceeded the boundsrnof decent political discourse, and thernIrish are still huding bombs at the English.rnIf we can get Celtic radicals andrnrap groups to espouse murder, violence,rnand other kinds of civic irresponsibilityrnon our fair shores, then the sky’s the limit.rnIn America today, if official victimsrnengage in senseless riot driven by greedrnand avarice, it can be passed off as an uprisingrnby the oppressed and will causernthe official guilt machine to spit tax dollarsrnout at the victim. Pretty neat trick.rnTrue, if Celts get “affirmative action”rnour achievements will be tarnished byrnthe sneaking suspicion that we are unqualifiedrnfor our positions. We may engenderrnethnic animosity where none existedrnbefore, as good-hearted Anglos arerndisplaced by Celts solelj’ by virtue of ourrnhistorical grievances. We will in essencernFEBRUARY 1994/41rnrnrn