By the time you read this it might be very old news, and if it is, treat it as a background briefing.  But if the son-of-a-bitch I’m writing about is still out on bail and moving his ill-gotten assets around Israel and the environs, pay attention.  What you read can one day save your savings.

It was last summer when a friend of mine of very long standing asked me to come on board his boat for a business meeting.  “What are you doing for a regular income?” he asked.  “I might have something very interesting for you.  There is no risk involved.”  March 31, 2008, was the date I had exited from Fix Asset Management, the fund of funds I had invested in since the spring of 1990 and in which I had enjoyed 20 percent yearly compounded returns until the you-know-what hit the fan in October 2007.  Fix Asset Management was the brainchild of my childhood friend Karolos Fix, a German-Greek whose ancestors had come to Greece from Bavaria with the first Greek king, Prince Otto of Bavaria, back in 1837 (as had some of mine).  Fix had started his fund during the 1980’s and had really hit his stride by the time I joined in.

But back to my “friend” on his yacht.  He seemed awfully eager to make me rich.  But being the fool that I am, I never suspected a thing.  “The name is Madoff,” said the yachtsman, “and he’s more than a genius, he’s a miracle worker.  The trouble is his fund is closed, but you can have some of my action.  There are no fees involved.  It will cost you nothing except for your original investment, say ten million or more.  I will allocate you some of my holdings.”

I was dumbfounded.  I thanked my friend and told him I was ready to invest immediately.  But then I started thinking about “owing” him.  I am getting on in years and don’t care to owe anyone anything.  He was obviously going out of his way to help me.  That’s when the princess came in, my wife, or better yet the mother of my children, as I like to refer to her.  Alexandra had never warmed to my friend and told me she’d rather I didn’t accept his generous offer.  “There’s something wrong when someone offers something for nothing,” she said.  A wise woman, as it turned out.

Four months later the megacrook Bernard Madoff was exposed, and you know the rest.  Three very old and good friends, including Karolos Fix, whose fund I had exited only a short time before, had gone down for the count.  Fix had lost 400 million greenbacks and counting.  Now I ask you: Was my friend trying to unload worthless shares before exposure, or was he trying to do me a favor out of the kindness of his heart?  The reason I have not revealed his name is because there are still doubts in my mind.  Alexandra thinks he knew.  I am not so sure.  The reason I believe I’m right is because he, too, has been caught in the Jewish tsunami, as some Wall Street WASPs are calling it.  In an ironic twist, I was informed by my Swiss banker that I owned Madoff shares, purchased by the bank after I had told them the megacrook was a genius and a miracle worker.  Serves me right.

What I find outrageous is that the swindler was given bail by federal judge Gabriel Gorenstein, even though he failed to meet the requirements of his bond, and as of this writing is skulking around New York in his ankle bracelet, most likely moving assets to offshore funds.  The other thing I find very strange is that  Madoff had been investigated back in 1999 and repeatedly brought to the attention of SEC staff, without any action ever taken.  That a Madoff family member was married to an SEC official, I am convinced, had something to do with the SEC’s paralysis.  Madoff is one of those ghastly human beings who maniacally pushed for more cash until the end.  A week before his scam was discovered he was asking his pals to invest.

And another thing.  The newspapers and media have been reporting from day one about all the Jewish charities that have been wiped out.  In other words, Christians who lost don’t matter.  I almost feel like repeating Shylock’s speech in The Merchant of Venice, updating it to 2008.  Here’s what I think happened.  Madoff used his Jewish connections to raise funds, and when questions were asked, high-ranking respected Jewish leaders protected him.  He was, after all, a big donor to Jewish charities.  Indeed, he was using Jewish charities to attract Jewish investors.  This does not take a genius to figure out.  The Christians were the real schmucks.  They are the ones who invested like gangbusters and have lost billions.  Which leads me to ask: What the hell is going on here?  A billionaire of the Jewish faith like Carl Shapiro drops $145 million, and his loss is called a catastrophe to Jewish charities.  A goy like Walter Noel drops $7.5 billion, or my friend Karolos Fix loses $400 million, and they’re called careless fools.  European banks, ditto.  Perhaps the game is rigged.  Jews are the victims, punto basta, as they say in the land of pasta.

I have seen my yachtsman friend since, and we commiserated.  He lost much, much more than I did.  Here’s chastened, bullet-dodging Taki’s first rule: Never but never believe a sure thing, especially when the word genius is banded about.  Especially when you’re invited to leave your yacht for someone else’s.