As if it wasn’t bad enough that the 92-year-old Menachem Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, died without an heir, or that he sorely disappointed a considerable faction of his most zealous disciples by refusing to cheat death and thus show himself as the Messiah, what followed the traditional seven days of mourning turned out to be far worse. For it seems that the painful, complicated process of choosing a successor will run into a thicket of governmental interference. The following transcript of a phone conversation between Ms. Leah Lichtenstein of the city’s Fair Hiring Practices Office and a member of the Lubavitcher’s inner council suggests this is only the first shot in a war of red tape and regulations that will unfold in the next few months.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Rabbi Rosenberg, this is Ms. Leah Lichtenstein calling from the mayor’s office. First, let me extend my sincere condolences. Rebbe Schneerson was indeed a remarkable individual.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Yes . . . yes, he was. We are all in great shock.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Nonetheless, the Lubavitcher Movement must forge on, and that’s why I’m calling. Because, you see, the position of Lubavitcher Rebbe falls within the guidelines of the Fair Hiring Practices Office.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Fair? We have always been a fair people, even a just people. Is that what you want to know?

Ms. Lichtenstein: Not exactly. What our office needs to know is how you plan to advertise the position and what specific steps you are taking to insure the widest possible diversity in your applicant pool.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Pool? I’m afraid I don’t understand. Lubavitcher Hasidim study, they pray, they do good works. They have no time for swimming.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Not that kind of swimming, not that kind of pool. No, what I mean is, are you planning to run a job description of the position in places like the New York Times and the Post, in the Amsterdam News and La Raza, in Variety and Women’s Wear Daily?

Rabbi Rosenberg: Why would we want to do that? Ms. Lichtenstein: Why, to make sure that you attract a sufficient number of minority candidates, of course. Besides, it’s the law. I’ll send you forms 27-A-34 and 37-8G-B, which outline your responsibilities in detail. Naturally, your office will need to keep a record of each applicant’s affirmative action profile—you know, how many are Hispanic, African- American, women. Native American, homosexual, and, of course, “other.”

Rabbi Rosenberg: Are we required to chose somebody from one of these categories? Ms. Lichtenstein: An interesting question. As I understand it, all the previous Lubavitcher rebbes have been Jewish men. This constitutes what we call a pattern of discrimination, and I’m afraid that the courts would not look kindly on a new hire that perpetuates old prejudices. That’s why the job description is so important. For example, is there a good reason why the post couldn’t go to somebody with administration experience, perhaps in a city agency or even the private sector?

Rabbi Rosenberg: I don’t think so. The Lubavitcher rebbe must be a scholar, a teacher, and, most of all, a holy man.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Well, I must tell you that the man part will be troubling. Surely, you must have meant “a holy person.”

Rabbi Rosenberg: No, dear lady, I meant man. The Lubavitcher rebbe has always been a man. It wouldn’t work any other way.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Why not? Have you tried it? This is, after all, 1994.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Well, for one thing, the Lubavitcher rebbe must have a beard.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Anything else?

Rabbi Rosenberg: He wears black clothing. He speaks many languages—Hebrew and Yiddish at the very minimum.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Well, the dress code business is no problem, at least the part about black suits. Saks is showing some lovely stuff in black. With the right kind of eye shadow and some discreet accessorizing, it could work. I know, because I was just there last week. But I should tell you that no judge—male or female—is going to hold still for the beard business. And I’m afraid we can’t allow you to insist on one, much less two, exotic languages. How about we change these to Spanish? That way, you’ll have a better chance recruiting in Dominican neighborhoods.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Impossible. A rebbe who doesn’t know how to speak Yiddish is not a rebbe at all. No way.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Look, we ran into a similar problem when Hunter College advertised for a German professor and then insisted that the person know German fluently. We took the department to court, and I’m happy to say we won. There was an injunction, an appeal, but in the end they settled for a Spanish speaker. Believe me, most of their students don’t know the difference.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Vis. Lichtenstein, I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know you’re trying to help us during a bad time. But is there somebody else I can talk to, somebody who might better understand our circumstances?

Ms. Lichtenstein: I was about to get to that. You know, the Fair Hiring Practices Office is only one agency that wants to talk to you people. There are others. For example, I understand that your movement has been pestering people in Times Square, asking them if they’re Jewish and, if they are, if they’ve said their morning prayers.

Rabbi Rosenberg: Yes, indeed. That was part of the Rebbe’s mitzvah campaign. We have been enjoined to continue it. Ms. Lichtenstein:Without a proper license from the Multicultural Religious Practices Office? I think not. Do you people really think you can buy full-page ads in the New York Times instructing people when to light Chanukah candles and simply ignore the rituals of Kwanza, or that you can interfere with pedestrian traffic on Forty-second Street without informing people about the Muslim injunction about bowing toward Mecca? No longer, buddy. We’ve got statutes that cover this. We’ve got laws.

Rabbi Rosenberg: You talk of laws, but what about God’s law? What about the Commandments?

Ms. Lichtenstein: Not covered under New York Citv regs, I’m afraid. Which brings me, by the way, to my last point. I’ve been reading articles that claim the late Lubavitcher Rebbe was the Messiah. That, too, is prohibited by affirmative action guidelines 46-83-C and 47-84-B. I’ll enclose copies along with sample Equal Opportunity Employment forms. You’ll have 4 to 6 weeks to comply fully, at which time you’ll be sent a complimentary recording of “I Love New York’s Greatest Hits.” Let my office know if you prefer cassette or CD.

Rabbi Rosenberg: I don’t think any of this will really be necessary, because when I tell the others what lies in store for us in this city, I think we’ll be moving to Israel. Crown Heights has never been a bargain, believe me.

Ms. Lichtenstein: Well, that’s your decision. But you’ll have to fill out the proper paperwork with the Department of Emigration, and you should know that multiculturalism is an important consideration there as well. I realize that Jews tend to want to go to Israel, but there’s no good reason why settling in other countries—say Nigeria or Nicaragua—wouldn’t do just as well. But Ms. Adler can explain all this more fully. I’ll have her call you.