Captain Thomas Santorno, who aspired to be chief of the San Francisco Fire Department, recently achieved fame, or notoriety, when he claimed that he legitimately changed his self-identification from Gaucasian (his father) to Hispanic (his mother). But Captain Roybal, also of the San Francisco Fire Department, alleged that Santorno falsified the grounds on which he based a claim to being Hispanic. There is no disagreement at all about two points: one, that the next chief was to be Hispanic; and two, that Roybal, who is the genuine article, scored below Santorno and others (40th, in fact) on the qualifying test. Roybal’s shot at the job would have improved if other candidates’ Hispanicism could be impugned.

This case shows that the multiculturalism taking root in our universities is bearing fruit. There is genuine acceptance of making ethnicity central to job qualifications. If two qualified persons go toe-to-toe and the employer is large enough to be noticed, the minority candidate gets the job even if the other is better qualified.

This case hits close to home. I am myself on the verge of proclaiming that I am Hispanic. I have every right. I was born in Cuba. Spanish is, literally, my first language. Until age 18 I had dual American and Cuban citizenship. When I went through immigration at the Havana airport (before Fidel Gastro), my papers were processed in the first batch while other American citizens waited.

Hispanicism should be recommended to any American who has grounds. My new designation will be a great boon to my employer, and possibly I will be rewarded for my additional contribution. My children may benefit marginally in their chosen professions, but the real boons are reserved for my grandchildren.

If current trends toward political correctness and quotas are any guide, my grandchildren may expect scholarships and significantly lowered admission requirements at top universities. Minority scholarships from federal sources were reinstated when Lamar Alexander was confirmed as Secretary of Education and, in any case, still abound from private sources like Fiesta Bowl sponsors. At the university level, my grandchildren will have multicultural curricula designed specifically for them, to enhance their self-esteem. In the workplace, they will benefit from preferential employment practices including race norming. Hispanicism will follow my grandchildren through life and, as English-speaking minorities, they should prosper.

I am not overly concerned that my grandchildren’s Hispanicism would be challenged so long as my status is confirmed. One-quarter Hispanic (a grandchild’s share) should be enough. In New Zealand, for example, 1/64 Maori kinship qualifies one for benefits, including concessionary government-subsidized interest rates.

I am in the process of submitting my own ethnic claim to adjudication by higher authority. The authorities from whom I seek a ruling include Fidel Gastro’s Cuban Immigration and Naturalization Service in Havana, the Guban government-in-exile in Miami (I would appreciate help with this address), the newly-formed Beleaguered Americans Legally Oppressed Never Ever Yielding (BALONEY, 260 W. Main Street, Suite 104, Hendersonville, TN 37075), and the also new Ethnic Purity Review Board in San Francisco.

Perhaps I am not alone with this dilemma. Can others help?