Democracy’s Dictionary (With Apologies to Ambrose Bierce)

Democracy: A sacred form of government invented by Abraham Lincoln in the Emancipation Proclamation and the Gettysburg Address.  John F. Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. also helped greatly in the invention of democracy.

Democratic Elections: When the rulers permit the voters to keep on voting until they get it right.

Elder Statesman: A former office-holder who receives big bucks from foreign governments and corporations to sell out his country.

Democratic Party: An organisation which used to represent American workers and farmers and now represents all the degenerate elements of society, giving it a certainty of unlimited growth.

Republican Party: A long-running con game by which politicians get power by pretending to represent the interests and values of the middle class.  The game has seldom failed to work in a century and a half.

Patriot: Someone who wants working-class American women and men to be killed in foreign military expeditions so he can feel good about being “American” (whatever that may mean).

American: Any person who resides in the United States or does not reside in the United States but wishes to do so.  Resident American males are often known as sports fans, females as mall shoppers, and others as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered.

America: Specifically, the continent or continents between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.  “America” is often also used to evoke a cluster of mythological, ideological, and sentimental emotions reflecting an aggressive belief that the United States is a superior and especially virtuous country, unique in history.

Democratic Health Policy: Providing the best available free medical care to wastrels and illegal aliens while bankrupting productive citizens who experience a serious illness.

Democratic Economic Policy: Guaranteeing that the biggest bankers are reimbursed for lost profits and that the present generation can spend all it wants and pass on the debt to future generations.

Democratic Legislation: When judges throw out laws they don’t like and pass new ones they like better.  (This is a feature unique to “America” and much celebrated by lovers of democracy.)

Democratic Administration: Carrying out policies desired by those who can provide the most money, votes, and favourable publicity to Congresspersons.

Democratic Immigration Policy: Replacing the native population and their posterity with foreigners and their posterity.  (Wait a minute.  The people oppose this policy by a margin of eight to one.  There must be something else going on here besides democracy.)

Democratic Social Policy: Guaranteeing that when programs fail they will receive increased funding so that the federal employees and money recipients who enjoy them will not face any loss of living standards or necessity to work.

Democratic Family Policy: When the government accredits, promotes, and subsidises same-sex “marriages.”  (Whoa!  The people are against this too.  What is going on here?)

(For the record:  I believe in the noble but now defunct American tradition of  Jeffersonian democracy—a free society with majority rule.  Majority rule is more likely to yield a just decision that any policy of a self-appointed Hamiltonian elite of the wise and good, i.e., rich.  This is only a practical position and not an article of holy doctrine.  The majority should usually decide those things which the majority has a right to decide.  However, in Jeffersonian democracy, almost all of private and social life lies beyond the jurisdiction of the state, whether ruled by the one, the few, or the many. What now passes for “democracy” in “America” is a universe away from the real thing.)

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