Earnest readers want to know what the difference is between the two major political parties. I have tried to provide some helpful guidance.

Democrat. Someone who believes that when people who have enjoyed a wealthy life but behaved badly get into trouble they should be rescued by non-wealthy people who have worked hard and played by the rules.

Republican. Someone who believes that when people who have enjoyed a wealthy life but behaved badly get into trouble they should be rescued by non-wealthy people who have worked hard and played by the rules.

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Democrat. Someone who thinks it is good to disinherit posterity and turn the country over to the wretched refuse of the earth.

Republican. Someone who thinks it is good to disinherit posterity and turn the country over to the wretched refuse of the earth—as long as he can turn a short-term profit.

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Democrat. Someone who thinks the U.S. has a right to invade any and every country to impose feminism and multiculturalism.

Republican. Someone who thinks the U.S. has a right to invade any and every country to impose feminism and multiculturalism and to get some payback—whether that particularly country has done us any harm or not and as long as the right people make some money.

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Democrat. Someone who sees the future as an egalitarian, multicultural paradise for all humanity.

Republican. Someone who sees the future as an egalitarian, multicultural paradise with technological wonders and high profits.

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Democrat. Someone who thinks that the Supreme Court is the instrument to impose progressive policies on a reluctant public.

Republican. Someone who thinks the Supreme Court is the instrument to impose one-man rule, as long as Republicans are in power.

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Democrat. Someone who thinks abortion is a good thing.

Republican. Someone who doesn’t care about abortion but has been told that saying you are against it gets votes.

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Democrat. Someone who thinks the purpose of government is to provide welfare for bureaucrats, minority groups, and rich people.

Republican. Someone who thinks the purpose of government is to provide welfare for rich people, bureaucrats, and minority groups.

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Democrat. Someone who hopes that if you push affirmative action for everything you will eventually get an affirmative-action President.

Republican. Someone who can’t figure out that if you push affirmative-action for everything you will eventually get an affirmative-action President.

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