To Guvner J.E.B. Bush
Floridy or maybe Conneckticut
Dear Guvner Bush,
I know we have not always seen I to I, as they say, but fair is fair, as they say, and I feel it is my duty to let you know that one of your opponents has been making fun of you and misreporting where you stand.
Yesterday I got in my mailbox one of those oversize, all-color, slick-paper advertisements supposedly from you. It must be one of those “dirty tricks” they were always putting on Nixon. I know it could not be from you because nobody as smart as you could say the things this flyer said.
First it said you wanted to increase defense spending. Now an experienced man like you must know that we should not be spending so much, much less adding on. It said you were against President Obama on this. But I know you are all for bipartisanship and don’t really disagree with him about anything except who is president. It said 23 retired generals have endorsed you on this. I suspect they are hinting about the primary next door in SOUTH Calina where everybody is a veteran and there are a lot of retired military brass doubling their pensions in that Military-Industrial Complex. Them people down there like to think shooting drones at poor gooks 5,000 miles away is “defending our country.”
On the Mideast it said you were for wiping out ISIS and that bad guy Assad both. But somebody as smart as you knows that this seems somewhat of a contradiction. This flyer doesn’t say how you are supposed to do it, either. Just that you have the knowhow. I know you are not that conceited, coming from such a fine moral family and all.
It’s good to whip the Terrorists Over There, although I know somebody as smart as you will be thinking about how to leave them alone over there when they don’t bother us. That’s how your Big Brother messed up so bad, and I know you don’t want to get us in that mess again. But this flyer does not say a word on what you would do about the ones Over Here. I hear they are bringing ’em in by the shipload. They’re settling in a bunch of them just down the hill in Winston-Salem, and a lot of people are getting a little concerned. Ammo is getting more expensive. Supply and demand, which you Republicans know all about.
It also says that you want to build up the local forces in Iraq and Afghanistan with the equipment and training and let them take over. Of course that way has been tried already and hasn’t been what you’d call a big success. Anybody with two grains of sense to rub together, as Grammaw used to say, knows it ain’t ever going to work.
What really gave it away that this was a dirty trick was your picture without glasses. I hardly recognized you. I am sure that you, like me and other four-eyes, had plenty of chances growing up to disprove the claim that we are not tough. But it said in BIG LETTERS that you are TOUGH, EXPERIENCED, and TESTED. A strong man don’t brag on hisself like that.
Now as to EXPERIENCED, that lays it on a bit too thick. I know Floridy is like a foreign country. But being guvner don’t really give you a lot of real experience with them atom bombs and Russians and things. A lot of people might think that your family EXPERIENCE is all the wrong kind. TESTED: Well, I don’t think hardly anybody has been tested on being president. You have to wait till you are there. Harry Truman was tested about whether or not to drop the bomb, but it don’t happen too often. Just wear your glasses is enough.
Free advice is usually worth what it costs, but let me tell you how I think you can really get ahead in this race. Go to the people and tell them that you know your Big Brother messed up Big Time. Apologise and promise to do all you can to get us out of this foreign mess. People are very forgiving, and they know that everybody makes mistakes and being president ain’t no picnic. Confession is good for the soul, and it might be the way to keep the Bushes in the White House.
You ought to find out which of your opponents is doing these dirty tricks on you and put a stop on it.
Uncle Bud Honeycutt
Veteran and Beverage Entreprenoor
Browns Summit, NORTH Calina
P.S. I think I have figgered out why they had you all about the terrorists Over There and saying nothing about the terrorists Over Here. They want everybody to think that you are a rich boy with plenty of protection and don’t care if the rest of us get shot up a little for multiculturalism and friendly relations with them oil shakes. But I know a man named after General Stuart could not possibly be that big a coward. I think you could gain a lot of support if you changed your friendly stand on immigration. They say we have nearly a million Mexicans and others here in NORTH Calina. The working people have never had it so hard and are about giving up hope on the ole U.S.A. All respects to Miz Bush and her country, but I can’t think she wants that to happen to us and our country.