Like the songs tell us, June is busting out all over, and love is in the air. Unlike humans, dolphins can never get enough of love. They are constantly nuzzling and staring into each other’s eyes. And they are known to make love—up to 43 times in half an hour. That beats Tiger’s record by a mile, and then some. Next time you ladies want to say something about sex addiction and your cheating boyfriends, think of the dolphins and give your boyfriends a pass.
Bonobos—a type of chimp and our closest living ancestor—are even more addicted than dolphins and Tiger Woods. They are always at it, lovemaking being a social currency, like a handshake or sharing a cup of tea. Just think of how many times a Frenchman shakes hands, multiply it by a hundred, and that’s how a certain chimp spends his day. Yippee!
Giant pandas sing love songs when horny. They blurt out a variety of barks, moans, roars, growls, and squeals when looking for a hot date, which is quite normal when you think of it. Female pandas also use their own chirps and snorts to convey information about their age and temperament. Young male pandas prefer older females in order to mate. Experience trumps looks where pandas are concerned, something I wish the human race would adhere to right now.
Mind you, although I might sound desperate, I still wouldn’t go so far as the male praying mantis, which gives up its life for a once-in-a-lifetime you-know-what. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, the predatory female starts to munch away at the male’s head and continues on down the body. In the meantime the lower organ is working away despite the loss of the upper half. Just think of it. Even if you had Keira Knightley munching away at your head and shoulders, could you keep going? I love Keira, but even she’s not worth the trouble. As with many men, the male mantis sacrifices its brain to the needs of down below. It reminds me of Bill Clinton, who almost lost his presidency over a very unattractive woman.
Which brings me to flirting with the opposite sex. If some of you think we men are clumsy, think again. A male elephant looking for sex has mucus oozing from his cheeks, and he gives off a smell that can be picked up half a mile away. It’s enough to drive away even Paris Hilton, but the horny male elephant eventually does have his way with the female. A friend of mine who lives in Kenya had his car crushed by an elephant when the gentle beast got horny and mistook his Honda for a female. Male elephants become very aggressive when randy, just like some ethnic minorities I know.
The good news I learned from the Discovery Channel is that size does not count. But it does help. The human male’s genitalia are among the biggest in the animal kingdom. Hooray! Gorillas may be mighty, but they are endowed with one and a half inches. Boo! Lions do it a hundred times per day, but have only a little stump to work with. But let’s not get too conceited about our size. The blue whale has an eight-footer, and I’d like to see any NBA star try to compete. Come to think of it, the blue whales are known for their modesty and for never showing off their large organ. Which proves yet again that if one is generously endowed one does not need to show off.
Howler monkeys French-kiss without touching, not a bad idea for our French cousins to follow in view of all the garlic they eat. The male and female howlers waggle their tongues at each other from a distance, then turn and face the sunset without doing any of the serious stuff that gets us all into trouble. It’s romance at its best, but after a while both give in and go at it nonstop. But first they flirt, a rarity nowadays among us humans. And talk about flashers. Male fireflies advertise their desire to score with a flashing light. A chemical reaction in their bum sends a bright beacon to any females around. When a female firefly picks up the signal, she plays hard to get, and the hornier the male gets, the brighter his flash, like a bald Hollywood producer in heat. Still the female does not give in. The more flashing, the more she likes it. Like human females she forces the male to come up with the goods: the jet, the yacht, the limo, the cash. And then it happens, and the flashing stops. Moral of the story: The rich and flashy will always get lucky, but it’s up to the female to make him work for it.
Study the animal kingdom and you’re bound to pick up lots of tips about the female species. Last piece of advice: Try not to smell and drool like an elephant, and you’ll be fine.