“Choose life” does not “foster choice,” or so said Florida Governor Lawton Chiles when he vetoed the manufacturing of license plates with this pro-life message. Was it the smiling faces on the license plate he didn’t like? The bright colors? More likely, he just didn’t want to offend anyone. Apparently, the ol’ he-coon was disappointed that “choosing life” has nothing to do with abortion clinics, and he just didn’t want to promote a political message. That’s understandable. Perhaps a little help is what is needed here.

To appease the liberal left of America, who feel most disenfranchised over the issue, I propose the following pro-choice license plates of which even Walkin’ Lawton himself might approve. First and foremost, the anti-life crowd might like a “Choose Death” auto tag; in black, of course, with a picture of Jack Kevorkian in the corner, just for kicks. Or how about a “Choose Tax” license plate graced with a smoldering cigarette to signify the government’s latest squeeze play for more big bucks. Kids will think it is the coolest thing since Joe Camel, even if they have to pay a little extra for it. And what socialist could refuse it?

For all you soccer moms out there, I recommend the highly fashionable “Choose Stupidity” plate. This popular little item not only displays your own ignorance, but also helps to promote the public school system which, in turn, should supply us with enough prisoners to tag every sport utility vehicle in America. And in recognition of Gay Motorists’ Week, what would be a more fitting statement than a colorful, pink condom, defiantly displayed on their own rear ends? If nothing else, it would certainly discourage tailgating—at least from the rest of us.

For our Democratic dads, we have a stylish, yet serious, tag with an atomic mushroom cloud on a red background. This will make Bill Clinton supporters very happy since it was our own President who supplied the Red Chinese with the nuclear capability to make it all possible. But hey, it was worth it. Anything to keep those Republican extremists out of the White House. “Choose China” . . . but on a Japanese import?

Never mind the conservationists and animal rights wackos. They already have their own recycled propaganda, proudly displayed on every broken Yugo bumper across the fruited plain. Sure, we should save the manatee and Florida panther, but not at the expense of humans. What they always neglect (or refuse) to admit is that we are also part of the same natural world which they so vehemently seek to protect. The heck with the spotted owl—save the humans!

And don’t forget our atheist and agnostic friends. Why, they are just praying for a plate which will ostensibly widen (the Founding Fathers never meant separate) the gap between Church and State—one perhaps with nothing on it at all. Or simply, a crucifix with a cross through it will do. “Choose?” might be an appropriate tide for this little gem.

Lest we forget the homeless, the less fortunate, the poor among us, I humbly submit a small and affordable “Choose Despair” license plate that can be easily adjusted to fit any shopping cart. It will certainly do wonders for their self-esteem, and also make us feel good about ourselves. Remember, for the most part, they have choices, too.

Ah, what the heck, maybe the governor’s right after all. Perhaps this sort of rhetoric is only suitable for bumper stickers, cheap buttons at political conventions, and talk radio. But if even choosing life is considered politically incorrect, what the hell is the alternative?