Regarding Saddam Hussein, “What in the world is wrong with him?” someone asked me the other day. “Doesn’t he realize the bad impression he is making with all his twists and turns? One day he lets the weapons inspectors in and gives them unlimited access, the next day he comes up with some lame excuse for excluding American ‘spies.'”

Perhaps he does have something to hide, but there is a simpler explanation: satellite TV. Imagine Saddam in his living room, tuned to CNN or CBS. After watching the lead stories for a few minutes, he turns to one of his aides and says, “What’s the deal? Those crooks in Indonesia are getting all the airplay. Call Ted Turner. Call Roone Arledge. CALL MY AGENT!”

Celebrity is not only intoxicating: it is addictive. It is fashionable to complain about those dreadful paparazzi, but ask any starlet, athlete, or politician how he or she feels when there are no cameras around: frightened and lonely. Vampires and other undead creatures cannot see themselves in the mirror, and celebrities cease to exist the minute they are off camera.

Saddam is smart to worry about his ratings. All the big people in America do. Most public events are really staged “happenings” (remember the 60’s?) in which an athlete gets to say he’s sorry (or not sorry) for socking his coach or stabbing his wife. Bill Clinton is a master of this art. Running for the presidency, Bill and his wife went on television to confess to having had “problems” in their marriage. More recently, the first couple, who reportedly cannot stand the sight of each other, were caught by photographers in an intimate moment on the beach. This gave the White House a golden opportunity to insult the paparazzi, and the President could appear as a lovable slob who loves his wife.

In America these days, everything comes down to TV—even TV. No one knows this better than Jerry Seinfeld. Faced with bad reviews and potentially bad ratings, Jerry could have retired gracefully and gone on to other things, but why pass up an opportunity to be the lead story on the news? Some newspaper editors have even started counting down the Seinfeld episodes like so many days till Christmas.

The same newspapers regularly print features like “Today’s Birthdays.” Are these the birthdays of war heroes and statesmen? Scientists and business leaders? Painters and poets? Not unless the poet played a part in Dead Poets Society. On any given day, the list is made up exclusively of actors and actresses, most of whom I have never heard of Today the list is headed by Robert Stack and goes on to mention comedian Rip Taylor, actor Richard Moll, musician Fred White, actor Kevin Anderson, and actress Julia-Louis Dreyfus, who turned 37.

Thirty years from now, when no one remembers her name, Julia-Louis Dreyfus will be a star of “Today’s Birthdays,” and that is all that Saddam Hussein really wants. We could save ourselves a lot of grief if we would just guarantee Saddam the lead story on Dan Rather for the next five years.