Pope Francis is dead. But at age 97, musical humorist Tom Lehrer is still with us. And so are his many parody songs, the rights to which Lehrer has generously transferred to the public domain. Among his best is “The Vatican Rag.” No, it is not about L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper. It is a ragtime parody of the Second Vatican Council and the many changes it foisted upon the Catholic Church. Like all great satire, “The Vatican Rag” has a thesis. It postulates that whenever the Church tries to “modernize,” hilarity ensues. Even in the Third Millennium, many inside and outside of the Church do not accept this. That is why I am running for pope.

You will not find my name among the papabile, but my one takeaway from my semester of Canon Law in law school is that I am eligible to become pope. It is true. The only eligibility requirements to be elected pope are that the elected must be a 1) male, who is a 2) baptized Catholic, and 3) of sound mind. This column may be presented as evidence that I lack the third criterion, but I assure you that I fit no clinical definition of insanity.

I do fit the profile of what the post-Francis Church needs. This is not a particular criticism of the late pontiff, who was often misunderstood by his conservative critics. Francis was actually fairly conservative … for a Jesuit. Sure, he invoked the nebulous term “social justice” more than anyone since the infamous Father Charles Coughlin, but Francis deserves credit for putting climate change (ne global warming) where it can be properly discussed—among matters of faith. And if the ordered removal of a crucifix adorning the podium where the Holy Father addressed Muslim-majority migrants in Malta in 2022 constituted a denial of Christ, Francis is still two denials behind his predecessor St. Peter.

Even when Francis appeared to be doing Satan’s job for him by sowing confusion among the faithful as to matters of faith and morals, the Pope was actually engaged in a creative attempt to deny the Evil One the souls he so desires to drag to hell. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that a person must understand that an act is sinful in order to be culpable. By confusing people about the sinful nature of particular acts, Francis prevents them from having the necessary mens rea to be held accountable for their actions. Pretty clever, huh?

If Francis can be faulted, it is for his unnuanced criticism of capitalism, his extraordinarily poor stewardship of Vatican finances, his negligent promotion of criminal clergymen and their enablers, and his refusal to promote promising trends within the Church, which are not deficiencies unique to Francis’ pontificate. The Vatican’s secret concordat with Communist China is another potential black mark on Francis, but it is difficult to judge an agreement the details of which are unknown.

My fitness to succeed Francis is derived from how I would correct these errors. Here is my papal platform.

Capitalism

To her credit, the Church has devoted enormous resources to the alleviation of material suffering around the world. But the truth is that 250 years of capitalism have done far more to eradicate poverty than 2,000 years of Catholicism. All papal pronouncements on economic matters will be drafted by the Acton Institute, Father Robert Sirico’s free-market think tank.

Vatican Finances

After many failed attempts to reconcile its books, the Vatican still resembles something out of The Godfather, Part III. As a Certified Anti-Money Laundering Specialist, I can help with this. To fix the Vatican Bank, I would re-appoint the only man who has had recent success running that troubled institution, the excommunicated Carlo Maria Vigano. To reform the Vatican’s medieval bureaucracy, I would appoint Elon Musk to head the Dicastery of Vatican Efficiency (“DOVE”).

Foreign Policy

I would recognize as British monarch Franz, Duke of Bavaria, of the Catholic House of Stuart. I would seek to de-escalate all interfaith conflicts under the theory that everyone in the world is Catholic, some just do not know it yet.

Pro-Growth

I would end Francis’ restrictions on the Tridentine Rite and attempt to universalize whatever dioceses in Africa and the American Great Plains are doing to outperform the rest of the world in terms of converts, vocations, and lay stewardship.

The surest way to avoid a pope tainted by any of the scandals plaguing the Church is to elect a layman. This and my understanding of Lehrer’s Law make the Shoes of the Fisherman a comfortable fit.