Ah, glorious soccer.  The sport where fat and tall and tough guys don’t get a pass, unlike those other statistic-driven, ‘roid marinated, jingoistic sports Americans love on a more regular basis.  But what really makes FIFAball the sport of conservative spectators is that it combines the Grecian ideal with pure thespian talent.  And as recent events make clear, soccer is capable of spreading this combination of athleticism and acting skill to the globally challenged.

The Telegraph even said so.  Before last Sunday night’s Cage Match between Ivory Coast and Brazil, Kevin Garside wrote that this contest was Nordic-African coach Sven-Goran Eriksson’s opportunity to “bring the Ivorian national team from the Third World into the first.”

So how did Ivory reach for the thrill of victory?  By deploying Abdul “Lou Albano” Keïta to execute a dive (footbull lingo for a Tony Award-winning fake fall/injury, or a “slip-down,” as Shirley Q. Liquor calls it).  Brazil’s “Kaka” was carded and suspended for the vicious triple suflex on Keïta, which was as real as Triple H’s (the wrestler, not Hans Hermann Hoppe).  Brazil won, but poor Kaka will have to sit out the next game.

If Ivory Coast wants to win it all in 2014, they’ll have to hire Vince McMahon to replace Sven.