It was, in Edward de Vere’s words, much ado about nothing.  The media didn’t think so, called it Deflategate, and one of America’s great sporting heroes, Tom Brady, was pilloried as if he had inflated the beautiful model Gisele Bundchen, his wife, against her wishes.  In case any of you Chronicles readers missed it while on holiday in Albania, Brady and the New England Patriots supposedly deflated the footballs used in the championship game against the Indianapolis Colts so Tom could better find his receivers.  The NFL, needless to say, was horrified that anyone playing professional football in America might bend the rules in his favor and suspended Brady for four games, fined the Patriots one million big ones, and took away some draft picks.  If Captain Renault were around, he’d be winking at Rick and telling him that these NFL people make us look like hicks.

Everyone in college and pro sports in America cheats, starting with the fact that after four years college athletes are graduated as illiterates.  Back in 1951, during the good old days of baseball, they even made a wonderful movie called It Happens Every Spring that celebrated cheating, the hero being an absentminded professor who accidentally discovers a potion that, once applied to a baseball, makes it avoid wood.  He takes a leave of absence and wins 30 major-league games.  That very same year, the Shot Heard Round the World took place in October.  Bobby Thompson’s homer against Ralph Branca won the pennant for the Giants.  Years later Giants manager Leo Durocher was revealed to have been stealing signals for years using a powerful telescope in his office in the Giants’ clubhouse at the old Polo Grounds.  The clubhouse was situated in center field, rather conveniently, and the telescope operator relayed the opposing team’s calls to the Giants’ dugout using a buzzer.

Sen. Bill Bradley has admitted that, when playing for the New York Knicks, he would deflate basketballs in order to gain a competitive edge, and the great Gaylord Perry got into the National Baseball Hall of Fame by throwing spitballs.  Perry never revealed how he got the spit on the ball, but did say that he used to line his baseball cap with Vaseline.  The Colorado Rockies openly keep their baseballs inside humidors, like cigars, to keep them from drying out and flying off the face of the earth.  Colorado is high enough as it is.

My favorite cheater was Rosie Ruiz, who won the New York City Marathon and was almost sanctified because she was a Cuban, before it was revealed that she had taken the subway for most of the race and had only run about a mile or so.

Better yet, the Yankees didn’t mind when Andy Petitte and Roger Clemens used steroids, and the MLB commissioner said nothing when Barry Bonds broke Babe Ruth’s and Hank Aaron’s homer record by quite a lot, almost as much as his head had grown from extreme use of PEDs.  Seeking an edge is nothing new in sports.  But punishing Brady smells more of hypocrisy than of righteousness.  Unlike many pro footballers, Brady has not been caught driving drunk, beating his wife or girlfriend, or participating in multiple homicides.  Yet he’s been suspended for doing what comes naturally in pro sports.  The NFL regularly drafts so-called college athletes whose talents are more suited to crime than to the gridiron.  Ray Lewis, the Baltimore linebacker and future Hall of Famer, was involved in a double homicide, accepted a plea deal in exchange for testimony, and is now the face of the NFL on ESPN.  Adrian Peterson beat his four-year-old bloody with a branch, was suspended with pay, and will likely play again this year.  Ray Rice infamously knocked his wife out in an elevator and was caught by the camera.  Otherwise he’d still be playing.  Brady deflating footballs was never proved, but he already has three strikes: He is white, intelligent, and has a beautiful wife.  Let’s throw the book at him.

The number-one overall pick of this year’s NFL draft, Jameis Winston—yes, that’s how he spells his first name—has been accused of rape a couple of times, has been arrested for shoplifting, and has been suspended from school for threatening behavior and other such typical activities of African-American football players.  But he got drafted number one anyway, while Brady will remain on the sidelines for a while.  Go figure.